I briefly considered jumping in front of the tube rather than going to work.

When I worked on a busy daytime series in the late 00s, the executive producer made my life hell by openly criticising me in front of the rest of the office, dismissing my ideas and constantly undermining me in front of my team. Although he was gruff with a lot of people (as, to be honest, he wasn’t experienced enough for the job) and there wasn’t a particularly positive atmosphere within the office, he was particularly barbed with me, making me feel insecure and embarrassed and my work suffered as a result.

This continued over a period of six weeks – the days were long but my mental health suffered hugely, I wasn’t sleeping or eating properly and my friends and family noticed a real change in me. My team were supportive but one morning when things got so bad I briefly considered jumping in front of the tube rather than going to work. Following this, I decided this was ‘only telly’ and to speak to the head of production.

She was very sympathetic but not at all surprised saying this happened every series with a producer or AP who the exec didn’t gel with – I was taken aback yet suddenly very relieved. Maybe it wasn’t that I was crap at my job. We discussed various options to try and resolve things which included confronting him about how he was acting and, since I thought I had nothing to lose, I did so.

The exec dismissed my views, told me I wasn’t good enough to be in this role and that he and the host hated the studio days when I was producing. This was a battle I couldn’t win so I met with the head of production again who apologised for what had happened, told me I was good at my job but that I could leave straight away and they would paid me the remaining six weeks of my contract.

Afterwards, I took a short break to get myself back in shape but I was angry that this experience really knocked my confidence and made me consider leaving TV altogether. I didn’t and gradually my confidence did return, particularly after taking a role on a similar show – I guess to prove to myself (and that Exec) that I could do it, that I was good enough. But there were still times I doubted myself.

What was really odd was that I would occasionally run into this character (at the gym of all places) and he say “hello” and act like nothing untoward had happened. And, even though my stomach churned and I wanted to slam his head into a locker for all the shit he had put me through (and probably did with someone else the next series), I smiled and said “Hello” right back.

That whole experience made me much more aware of the welfare of people I work alongside and those who work for me on projects – while we have to work hard, the hours can be long and the industry insecure, people will perform better if they feel supported and that they can work in a safe environment.

So when, a few years ago, two female members of the team came with harassment complaints against the head of production at a small indie I was working at, I was horrified. As he was co-owner and we were at a remote location, it was tricky to deal with in a way which didn’t affect everyone and what we were filming but I made the other owner aware and he promised to deal with it.

However, he and the (inexperienced) production manager didn’t act so we had to continue filming with this unpleasantly hanging in the air. We had to ensure the head of production was never left alone with any of the females on the team. After filming ended and the contracts of those who had made the accusations ended, I was accused of making the incident up and stirring up trouble – even though I had it in writing from the victims. My reputation damaged as a result, presumably to keep me quiet.

I think what made both these incidents so difficult for me was not only was the behaviour not dealt with, but it was brushed under the carpet which meant it could happen again. These were powerful people who couldn’t be challenged and were allowed to behave as they liked. Would this happen in any other industry? I don’t know but it makes me less proud to work in television.